Lord of the Rings vs. Harry Potter
by thew40
Summary: It had to be told! Who will win when Harry goes up against Frodo? Or when Gandalf faces Dumbledore? All this and more! Please R&R!


The Lord of the Rings vs. Harry Potter  
  
Introduction: This story was written by Wreality24 and Terry. It is written for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. Enjoy!  
  
  
  
Magic isn't really necessarily a good thing. I mean, sometimes, when you're faced with tons of bad guys, have no weapons or back-up to speak of – then sure, it's all-good. But sometimes, it's a pretty bad thing.  
  
Take now for example. Because right now at this moment, a young wizard in the good world of Middle-Earth is spouting one of the forbidden spells. Spells that cause young writers such as we to write stories such as these.  
  
A forbidden spell that is also available in the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, where a young delinquent wizard-in-training is reciting the same words.  
  
(The words? Well, I can't put them in here. Because if I did, then EVERYONE would be spouting them off. And that's most definitely not a good thing and there would be crossovers all over the bloody place. We'd be having the Jetsons facing off against Predator. And hell, Adolf Hitler would be duking with JFK. But moving on . . .)  
  
Yet, as the two students in the magic arts say those forbidden spells, two worlds . . . collide. And we all know that when two worlds collides, it becomes a crossover. And when a crossover occurs . . . it always ends up being the shit storm of the century.  
  
At Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, and Hermione Granger were all lazing in the library, looking up the History of the Goblin Rebellion for their History of Magic class. Hermione, as usual, was pouring over her huge stack of books, "ooh"ing and "ahh"ing every few minutes in fascination.  
  
Ron and Harry, however, were less than enthusiastic about the whole thing. Ron was balancing a pencil on the tip of his nose, looking at Hermione with a look that said he clearly thought that it was too early for anyone to be this enthusiastic about anything.  
  
"I'm so bored. I wish you had a Quidditch game or something, Harry." He sighed.  
  
"Game's been called on account of lightning, Ron. Do you want me to get fried?" Asked Harry Jokingly.  
  
"I just wish something interesting would happen!" cried the second- youngest Weasley. He glanced over across the library at a very strange young woman with shoulder-length black hair reading a very large and very old book.  
  
"That's strange, I've never seen her before. What house is she in?" Ron asked.  
  
"I don't know…she's not in Gryffindor…A Hufflepuff, maybe?" Harry asked.  
  
"What is she reading? It looks fascinating." Said Hermione.  
  
A sweat-drop appeared over both Harry and Ron's heads. "Wait, she's saying something." Harry said, noticing the girl muttered to herself, waving her wand idly.  
  
At that moment the Weasley Twins, Fred and George, came bursting into the library, looking frantic.  
  
"RON! HARRY! HERMIONE!! THERE'S A HUGE TORNADO COMING!!" Cried Fred.  
  
"HUGE!!! BIGGER THAN LIKE…EVERYTHING!!" Gasped George, waving his arms about madly.  
  
"Dumbledore's saying we all should get into the Dungeon straight away!" Added Fred.  
  
Clumsily gathering up all their things, the five of them raced down the corridors towards all the Dungeon classrooms.  
  
On their way they ran into Draco Malfoy, who was trying his best not to look alarmed and failing miserably.  
  
"What's the matter, Malfoy, afraid that a house will drop on you?" Harry asked, although he knew Malfoy wouldn't understand the Muggle reference.  
  
"You'll get yours, Potter." He hissed.  
  
When they arrived down in the dungeons, they were surprised the see that they were the only ones there, though not for long.  
  
A moment later, Professor Snape came storming into the room, looking furious. "Potter! Weasley! Granger! Mr. Malfoy, what are you all doing down here, don't you know…" He hissed in a deadly voice, but at that moment a sound like freight train came rumbling through the dungeon.  
  
Hermonie screamed, and Harry thought as he took cover under a desk, so did Malfoy and Snape.  
  
The rumbling grew louder and louder, and the very stones around them quivered, and then, with a sudden rush, Harry left his stomach drop, and he had the most horrible feeling that they were…moving!  
  
  
  
At that moment, in the wonderful world of Middle-Earth . . .  
  
A young man, who seemed very out-of-place in the Land of Hobbitain, stode reading off with a very large piece of parchment. The Fellowship of the Ring themselves (Frodo, Sam, Merry, Pippin, Legolas, Strider, Gimli, Boromir, and Gandalf) stood there with Bilbo, Elrod, the Lady of the Wood, and Arwin in the Shire, staring at the young man. They had all been off doing their own little quest thing, when they all suddenly found themselves suddenly all gathered in the Shire. Unsure of why they had come to be there, but not wanting to look unprofessional, they decided to "ad-lib" it.  
  
"We have to move quickly," said Strider, holding Arwin's hand.  
  
"Yes," replied Gandalf the White. "Sauron will be here any moment, claiming the Ring Of Power."  
  
"So . . . yeah. What are we going to do again?" asked Merry.  
  
"Maybe I should take the ring. You know, so no one takes it and does . . . stuff," Bilbo said, his eyes never leaving the ring.  
  
"No, I think I should take it, Bilbo, old boy. You know, being part of the Fellowship and all." Boromir said jovially.  
  
"No, no, I should take it, my good fellow, age before beauty and all." Bilbo laughed, though there was a hint of maliciousness in his voice.  
  
"No, no, it's much too great a responsibility for someone your age. You deserve a rest." Boromir growled.  
  
"I found it." Bilbo snarled.  
  
"I don't care you old fool." Boromir hissed.  
  
Suddenly, there was a large tornado above them. Then, somehow, a very large building seemed to be flying down from the inside of it.  
  
"What in the name of Middle-Earth is that?" shouted Gandalf.  
  
"I don't know – BUT RUN!" commanded Strider.  
  
As the large – castle-like – building fell from the disappeared tornado fell quickly (albeit, without falling apart) down upon Bagg End, Bilbo tripped at the last moment.  
  
"Bilbo! Get up!" screamed Fordo, holding the ring closely.  
  
"Aiiiiiieeeee!" shrieked Bilbo, as the shadow of the building fell upon him.  
  
WHAM!  
  
"Uncle Bilbo!" shouted Fodo. "Noooo!"  
  
Gimli looked to Legolas. "What a way to go . . . "  
  
"Tell me about."  
  
"What is this place?" asked Gandalf, as he and the rest of the Fellowship (and friends) looked upon Hogwarts.  
  
"I don't know. But what do you say we find out?" said Boromir, pulling his sword out.  
  
  
  
When the ground had at last stopped moving, Harry looked up from his hiding place, bruised and befuddled. A huge hole in the dungeon wall had appeared, streaming in bright sunlight. This was Harry's first clue that something was amiss as the dungeon was underground, unable to allow so much sunlight in.  
  
He crawled out from under the desk he looked around to see that every one was okay, most unfortunate in Snape and Draco's case, and staring around in confusion.  
  
"What happened?" Ron asked rubbing his aching head.  
  
"I do believe we've been up-rooted." Hermione said.  
  
"Well whatdaya know!" Laughed Fred and George as they ran towards the opening, Snape cursing after them.  
  
"No! You fools! You don't know what may be out there!" He cried.  
  
"Yes we do!" Fred said.  
  
"There's a couple of really short looking folks with big hairy feet, and a guy that looks remarkably like Dumbledore, and an elf with some nice hair and two other dudes and oh! What's that!" George cried as the two of them ran out into the open.  
  
"No!" Snape hissed, storming after them.  
  
Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Draco were left standing in the ruined classroom, unsure of what to do.  
  
"Well…I'm not going to hang around here all day. Come on Harry!" Ron said, following his brother's examples.  
  
Harry, being the adventurous as he was, couldn't resist and ran after him. Hermione and Draco followed reluctantly, both bitching and nagging.  
  
"Wicked!" Ron gasped as the sight of their surroundings. They were standing in the middle of lush green fields scattered with towering trees under an azure blue sky. There was quite a commotion about them, as the fields were filled with people…little people, clearly adults but no bigger than Harry, scattered about screaming and running.  
  
"I don't think we're in England any more." Hermione breathed.  
  
"Harry!" called a familiar voice. Harry looked up in surprise to see Sirius, his Godfather, running towards him.  
  
"Sirius!? How did you—" but Harry was cut off as his Godfather picked him up and hugged him tightly.  
  
"I'm so glad you're alright. There's been some sort of dark spell has been cast, we're in another world—another book with a whole different continuity line! Remus and I just sort of appeared here and we saw Hogwarts and we knew we were in deep dog-do. You kids find a hiding place, the locals are pissed off. Good luck!" He said, running off again.  
  
"But…what!? I'm so confused." Harry moaned, rubbing his head.  
  
Suddenly a person that Harry had never seen before appeared. He was obviously young, though a lot older than Harry, but about the same height. He came running towards them looking quite upset, wielding a sword that glowing bright blue.  
  
"Uh, guys…" Harry murmured. "MOVE!"  
  
They all jumped out of the way just as Frodo Baggins, for that's who it was, came leaping down on top of them, swinging his sword furiously.  
  
"YOU KILLED MY UNCLE BILBO!!" he cried.  
  
"What?!" Harry gasped, rolling out of the way before Frodo could slice him like a pickled frog.  
  
"I don't know what you're talking about! Who are you?" Harry cried.  
  
"My name is Frodo Baggins, the Ringbearer of the One Ring of Power!" he said, his blue eyes sparkling with tears.  
  
"'Frodo'? You're name is Frodo? Gosh…and I thought Dudley was bad…" Harry murmured.  
  
"Sauron sent you, didn't he!?" Frodo cried, still brandishing his sword at Harry.  
  
"Who?" Harry asked, now thoroughly confused.  
  
"Don't play dumb with me! You're one of his spies!" Frodo cried. "You shall not have the ring!"  
  
"You're insane!" Harry cried, dodging another blow from Frodo. Frodo struck at the young wizard again and again, Harry doing his best just to stay out of harms way, but being a Seeker he was very agile. But finally Frodo struck a blow on Harry's shoulder.  
  
"Ow!" Harry cried as his arm splurted blood. "That's it. Now I'm mad!" he cried. He pulled his wand from his robes.  
  
"Expelliarmus!" he cried.  
  
Sting flew from Frodo's hand and landed a few feet away.  
  
Frodo stood there in shock for a few minutes, not knowing what to do, and then made a dive for Sting.  
  
"Wingardium Leviosa!" Harry cried, and Sting flew into the air, turned point down…and landed right on Frodo's head.  
  
The poor Hobbit's eyes rolled into the back of his head and he fell over, dead upon the ground.  
  
Harry stood there in shock, his wand raised, his mouth hanging open.  
  
"Shit I killed him!" He gasped, dropping his wand and covering his mouth with both hands. "I'm going to Azkaban for this! No, Mr. Frodo, I didn't mean it!" he gasped.  
  
  
  
Samwise Gamgi was at a total loss. One moment he and Mr. Frodo had been off on a treacherous quest to Mount Doom, when suddenly they had both found themselves standing in the Shire with all their friends.  
  
It was a wonderfully pleasant surprise and neither of them could have been happier being back home, until that giant castle had fallen out of the sky and crushed Bagg-End and Bilbo like a blueberry. That was enough to ruin anyone's day.  
  
Then, Mr. Frodo in a tearful tantrum had run off talking about vengeance and what-not and poor Sam had been left standing. He began wandering aimlessly through the confusion of panicked and quarrelling people and weird children dressed in black robes wielding wands, when he bumped into a tall red-haired boy.  
  
"What?! Who are you?" Sam gasped.  
  
"I'm Ron Weasley, who are you?" asked the young wizard.  
  
"Samwise Gamgi." Stuttered the little hobbit. He stared at Ron for a moment. "D-did you come out of that castle?" he asked, pointing to Hogwarts looming in the background.  
  
"Uh, yeah." Ron shrugged.  
  
"Then you must be the enemy!" Sam cried bravely, unsheathing his own short-sword.  
  
"I am not! I don't even know who are!" Ron gasped backing away. "I'm just a wizard!"  
  
"A wizard! Like Gandalf?" Sam asked.  
  
"Who?" Ron asked.  
  
"EVIL!" Sam cried charging forward.  
  
"AHH! Get away! Inflamari! " Ron cried, raising his wand.  
  
Sparks flew from the young wizard and landed on Sam's feet, igniting Sam's foot hair.  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Sam cried, hopping up and down in agony. Ron watched him in amazement as the Hobbit pranced about, yelling and screaming, until he hopped right off the side a hill, landing in a fast flowing stream, which went over a waterfall…that ended with jagged rocks at the bottom.  
  
Ron stared wide-eyed, looked at his wand guiltily and then ran for his life.  
  
  
  
As Frodo fell to Harry and Sam fell to Ron, Hermione felt she could quite easily handle the Elven female named Arwin. She muttered some spells – Petificous Totallas, for one – that froze the poor Elf.  
  
"Yes! Yes! I win!"  
  
Arwin would have smirked, but she couldn't move. She knew, of course, that this poor girl had never dealt with Elves. And if she had, never of this calibur before. Arwin's magic automatically overrode Hermione's spell after a few seconds. She stood quickly, pulling out her sword.  
  
"Come and get me!" she teased before she started running. Hermione's face grew aggravated and she chased Arwin across the field where the others were doing battle. Arwin ran to a small brook that ran through what was left of poor Bagg End.  
  
Hermione was right on her tail and ankle deep in the brook. Arwin jumped onto the other side and turned to her young combatant. She soon began to mutter a spell under breath.  
  
"You're going to pay for getting my uniform wet!" Hermione angrily cried out. "I have you know that I am Witch-in-training and I'm going to blow you to bits as soon as I cross the bedamned brook!"  
  
Little did Hermione know, Arwin was using the water in the brook to hold Hermione there. Or at least slow her up a little bit.  
  
"Don't you know, little girl? No body's like's witches," replied Arwin as she said yet another spell.  
  
Hermione gave her the queerest of looks as she realized her legs were stuck in the brook. She reached down was tired to pull them out when she heard a loud rumble and almost the sound of horses. She looked to see the origin of the sound – and saw the brook flooding into a MASSIVE river.  
  
In no time, Hermione was drowned and has washed ashore. Arwin just grinned and wonder where her man – Aragon (Strider) – was at.  
  
  
  
Aragon, a.k.a Strider, made his way through the mass of students running out of Hogwarts, and the frantic hobbits. Despite his instincts to cut down every last one of the strange people who had landed on Bagg-End, he couldn't because they were all so young that they blended in perfectly with the hobbits so that he couldn't tell which was which.  
  
All at once, as he passed close to the giant castle, someone jumped on him, throwing him to the ground, pressing his face into the dirt.  
  
"You leave these kids alone!" growled a gruff voice in his ear.  
  
Aragon, pushed back with all his might, elbowing his attacker in the chin, throwing him off him as he rolled to his feet.  
  
"I?! It is you who attacked us!" Strider cried, swinging his sword at Sirius' head. The ex-criminal rushed the Ranger, wrestling him to the ground.  
  
All at once Sirius, being an Animagius, turned himself into the giant black dog and began mauling the poor Ranger.  
  
Strider shrieked in pain and then sliced deep into Sirius's back with his sword. Sirius yelped in pain and leaped backwards, turning once more into a man, attacking Strider again.  
  
"You are strong!" Strider grunted as Sirius clouted him hard in the head, making him bleed.  
  
"Thank you! You are pretty strong yourself!" Sirius replied, taking a slash to the leg.  
  
"You realize of course you can't win, though. Your strength is diminishing even as we speak!" Strider said, cuffing Sirius in the head with the blunt end of his sword.  
  
The wizard staggered and fell to the ground as Aragon stabbed him in the side.  
  
"You have fought bravely, sir! Name your last request!" Aragon said, knowing that Sirius was taking his last breathes.  
  
"Take care of my godson…Harry Potter…" Sirius grunted painfully.  
  
"How will I know him?" Aragon asked.  
  
"He's got a lightning scar on his forehead. Stands out in a crowd. Oop. Yep. My heart stopped." And then he laid still.  
  
"Farewell dog-wizard-man!" Aragon said.  
  
  
  
Meanwhile, the Weasley twins were running rampantly through the chaos and confusion riddled landscape, as they thrived on such things.  
  
As the two sat under the shade of a giant tree, each eating Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans and sorting through their Filibuster Fireworks, they came upon to of the very short folk that they had seen running about the hills since they arrived.  
  
"What's that there, eh?" Merry asked.  
  
"Looks tasty! Might we have a bite, lads?" Pippin asked.  
  
Fred and George looked at each other and shrugged. "Sure!"  
  
The four of them sat down, munching contentedly on the jelly beans and giggling as they set fireworks into the crowd.  
  
"You two are all right! Why did you drop your castle on us?" Merry asked George.  
  
"I dunno, we didn't do it." He replied.  
  
"Oh, that's okay then." Pippin smiled. He popped another bean into his mouth, and then made an awful face and choked.  
  
"ICK!!" he cried, spitting it up.  
  
"What's wrong Pippin!?" Merry cried.  
  
"It was a poisonous bean!" cried the little hobbit. Merry looked at Fred and George aghast.  
  
"We thought you were our friends!" he cried dramatically.  
  
"Whoa, whoa! We didn't do it! We may be rotten—"  
  
"But we'd never hurt anybody!"  
  
"Well…there was that one time…"  
  
"Oh shut up, George!"  
  
Both Merry and Pippin, still gagging, jumped on top of the twins and began punching, biting and kicking them.  
  
Fred and George stumbled, landing onto their stash of Fireworks. A stray spark from Fred's wand ignited one of the bigger fireworks, which flew backwards into the tree behind them.  
  
The explosion it caused was so tremendous that the tree toppled over.  
  
The Weasley twins only had just enough time to jump away before the whole mess landed right on top of little Merry and Pippin.  
  
For a moment the twins lay on opposite sides of the tree, staring that the mess under which the two little hobbits were now laying under.  
  
"George…mum's gonna kill us when she finds out." Fred breathed.  
  
"It's bloody shame…I really liked those little guys."  
  
  
  
Meanwhile, Legolas was running over to a fallen figure next to Hogwarts. He immediately pulled out an arrow and strung it on his bow, keeping it focused at the figure's head.  
  
"Don't move."  
  
The figure stood, showing himself as Remus, Harry's father's best friend. "Don't hurt me, please," Remus said. "I just want to figure this out. There's been enough bloodshed this day."  
  
"I don't trust you. For all I know, you're the one that did this."  
  
"Why would I do a thing like that?"  
  
"Well, for all I know, you could be working for Sauron."  
  
"Well, for all I know, you could be working for Voldermort."  
  
"Ha! There's no such person!"  
  
Legolas hit Remus in the leg with an arrow. Remus staggered to the ground and found himself changing into a werewolf.  
  
Legolas gasped. Now he knew he shouldn't have had that arrow dunked in Moonshine. (Go with me, here.)  
  
Remus – now in full wolf mode – howled and leapt at Legolas. Legolas pulled out a silver-tipped arrow and shot it at the werewolf.  
  
It slammed right into his head and Remus fell to the ground. Legolas just smirked and shook his head in coolness.  
  
  
  
Not terribly far away, Hagrid was making his way over the battle. Gimli, enraged and ready to kick some giant ass (no pun intended), ran to Hagrid and began to chop at his leg.  
  
Hagrid didn't seem to notice and kept on walking. He accidentally knocked the bearded Dwarf right onto his back.  
  
"Get back here!" shouted Gimli.  
  
Hagrid turned around, lifting his foot, then accidentally brought it down on poor Gimli.  
  
CRUNCH!  
  
"Huh? Must have been my imagination . . ."  
  
  
  
Severus Snape stormed around grounds still looking for the Weasley twins, when he came upon a very disgruntled looking red-haired man wielding a sword.  
  
"Halt! I am Boromir, Son of Gondor!" cried Boromir, holding up his hand.  
  
"Out of my way you fool!" Snape hissed.  
  
"I will not. You have the look of evil upon you, you may not pass!" he said bravely.  
  
Snape sighed loudly. He had neither the time nor the patience for this.  
  
"Fine, have it your way. But have a glass of wine won't you?" Snape asked, taking a wine glass from a random Hobbit who appeared and pouring a vile of some foul looking liquid from his robes into it.  
  
"Ah, don't mind if I do!" Boromir said happily, swigging it down at once. He grimaced then and sighed loudly. "Poison. I should have guessed. But you know, I don't feel quite like dying yet, so how about another go, eh?" he said.  
  
Snape, not about to argue, gave him another glass.  
  
"Thanks. Say, if you see a hobbit around here with a little gold ring around his neck, tell him I didn't mean it, will ya? I mean, the ring made me attack him and all don't you know? I'm not a bad guy, I'm only human after all…oh, what's that? How many have I had….about three. That should do it then. Right then, thanks!" he said, then handed the glass to Snape, turned and took one step before falling over dead.  
  
"Dumb-ass." Snape muttered.  
  
  
  
Minerva McGonagall had been running frantically around Hogwarts, trying to figure out what happened. One moment she had been teaching her Transfiguration class and the next all her students were running for their lives.  
  
"Albus! Albus! You're never around when I need you!" she cried, stomping around the grounds, taking off house points left and right from the students she saw running and fighting.  
  
"You bring great evil here, Professor McGonagall! Go back from whence you came!" said an eerie voice from her right.  
  
The Deputy Headmistress of Hogwarts turned and saw a woman in a flowing white dress and long blonde hair.  
  
"And what do you want, missy?" asked Professor McGonagall.  
  
"Leave this place, you unholy witch!" The Lady of the Wood commanded.  
  
"Unholy! I'll show you unholy, you hussy!" cried Professor McGonagall indignantly, raising her wand. "I don't know what all this business about a Ring of Power, but it sounds like nonsense!"  
  
Suddenly the Lady of the Wood went all Green and evil-like. "THE RING!! THE RING SHALL BE MINE!!!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" she cried, blowing Professor McGonagall back into the wall.  
  
"That does it! Fifty Points from…whatever house you're in!" she cried before fainting.  
  
The Lady of the Wood stared at the unconscious witch for a moment, then smoothed out the wrinkles in her dress and walked off, "Bitch." She muttered.  
  
  
  
Professor Quierrel, who had no idea how he got there seeing as how he died, stood there wondering what the heck was going on. That was when he was approached by Eldron.  
  
"W-Well n-now, I-I don't like th-this v-v-very much."  
  
"Really? Well, as far I know, you're responsible for all this," Eldron said, approaching the studdering teacher.  
  
"What? I'm supposed to be dead!"  
  
"Well, you're not. And I don't like the looks of you," Eldron said, eyeing him.  
  
"W-Well s-s-s-see h-h- (that is) –h – here," Quierrel muttered, about to continue his sentence.  
  
"You're supposed to be dead, aren't you?"  
  
"Wh-wh-why yes?"  
  
"Mmmm."  
  
Elrod chanted a spell and Quierrel exploded.  
  
Suddenly, at that moment, Elrod noticed that two incredible armies were quickly overtaking the Shire and this so-called Hogwarts School of . . . whatever.  
  
He recognized one as the army of Sauron, with what-looked-liked Sauron himself leading it. He could only guess that when Frodo was killed, the Ring fell off and somehow Sauron ended up with it.  
  
The other army was one lead by Voldermort, but Elrod wouldn't know that, would he?  
  
  
  
Leading these two armies was one Cave Troll from the Dwarf's mines and a Mountain Troll, quite similar to the one that attacked Hogwarts.  
  
The two of them meet and immediately punched each other. They were both bruised and quite confused. Here they were, basically the same species, yet they looked completely different.  
  
The Cave Troll let out a series of grunts. "Ragh! Roar! Ragggg!"  
  
Translated: "You're quite different from me. Are you a troll or something else?"  
  
The Mountain Troll roared back: "Ragh rag! Ra-ra-ra-ra-ra! Rargh! Rag!"  
  
Translated: "Yes, I am, my good fellow. A Mountain sort, if you don't mind. Tell me are you from the land of Earth or mayhaps someplace else?"  
  
"Raga! Raga-woo-woo!" the Cave Troll replied.  
  
Translated: "Actually, I am not. I am from the land of Middle-Earth."  
  
"Raja ra ra!" said the Mountain Troll.  
  
Translated: "Middle-Earth? How extraordinary!"  
  
The Cave Troll nodded. "Raj ra!"  
  
Translated: "It is!"  
  
"Ragh! Rosh-rosh!" roared back the Mountain Troll.  
  
Translated: "Mayhaps we can discuss this over tea and crumpets!"  
  
The Cave Troll grinned and nodded. "Wajash! Ragh! Ragh!"  
  
Translated: "That sounds splendid! Come, let's go now before our respective leaders battle it out!"  
  
The Mountain Troll nodded in return. "Ragh! Raga raga wagh!"  
  
Translated: "Yes, yes. Evil can be so stupid, can't it?"  
  
The Cave Troll smiled. "Rasha ragh."  
  
Translated: "Indeed.'  
  
And with that, the two trolls strolled away from the coming war to drink tea and eat crumpets and discuss their respective differences.  
  
  
  
As war broke out, Draco didn't want to be caught in the middle of it. So, he ran for it. And immediately bumped into a short, ugly creature.  
  
"Where is precioussssss?"  
  
"Sweet mother!" screamed Draco. "What are you?"  
  
"Gollum I am! Where is precious!? Do you have precious?"  
  
"I don't know what it is, but whatever it is – I don't have it!"  
  
"Ahhh! There is precioussss! Sauron has my precious!"  
  
"Where?" asked Draco, turning to see it.  
  
"There! My precioussss! Gone! Nooo!"  
  
"Oh, well," Draco replied, in the most snobbish way possible. "Looks like you're going to have to do without it."  
  
"Nooooo!" cried Gollum. He then looked at Draco.  
  
"What?!" shouted Draco, not liking the way he was being starred at.  
  
"I am hungry . . . and you look tasty . . ."  
  
"What?! Nooooo!" Draco cried out. He was about to run away, but tripped over a brick that had fallen off of Hogwarts.  
  
"Yummy," Gollum said, his mouth wide open and drool dripping out.  
  
  
  
The traitor Sarumon sat nearby, watching the warring worlds with smug satisfaction. All this destruction and he didn't have to lift a finger to start it. Now this was the life.  
  
As he sat there, enjoying the carnage, he noticed a pudgy, balding man looking very nervous as he tried to sneak past him. Sarumon grinned. He was going to have fun with the guy.  
  
He jumped down, landing right in front of sniveling, semi-evil Peter Petigrew…Lord Voldemort's lacky.  
  
"AHHH!" Petigrew cried, jumping into the air, startled by the wizard's sudden appearance. "Who are you?" he gasped.  
  
"I am Sarumon, the wizard, servant of Lord Sauron!" he said, his voice all boomy and stuff.  
  
"Oh…that's that other bad guy right?" Petigrew asked nervously.  
  
Sarumon nodded.  
  
"I'm Peter Petigrew…I serve the Dark Lord, Lord Voldemort." He said in quivering voice.  
  
"How very interesting. Do you posses any powers? You are a wizard aren't you?" asked Sarumon.  
  
"Yes…I know some magic. I can turn myself into a rat. That's how I escaped death and persecution for twelve years, letting the entire wizarding world believe that an innocent man was a traitor to his best friend." He said.  
  
"How very fascinating, a traitor too, eh? I nearly killed the great wizard Gandalf, but you merely betrayed your best friend and let some poor sap take the blame for it." Sarumon sighed.  
  
"Hey! Because of me that Harry Potter kid had to live with his stupid aunt and uncle!" Petigrew piped up.  
  
"Oh, la-de-dah! He grew up a better kid because of that!" Sarumon cried.  
  
"Yeah, but he was miserable!" Petigrew added.  
  
"Biiiiig deal. You know, you're a waste of flesh." He said.  
  
"Oh yeah, well, I bet you can't do this!" said Peter Petigrew, suddenly transforming himself into a rat, from which his childhood name had come from "Wormtail."  
  
Sarumon pulled out a mouse-trap, which stupid fat Wormtail at once jumped into, snapping his neck.  
  
"Dumb-ass." Sarumon chuckled.  
  
  
  
With Lord Voldemort now returning to power, all the little Death Eaters came out, dressed in their black robes with their Death-Eater insignias and their Death-Eater's club membership cards.  
  
Lucius Malfoy, Draco's father, being the leader of the Death Eaters, stared around at the war going on around them.  
  
"Hey! How come we don't have anyone to fight!" cried Lucius Malfoy.  
  
All at once there was a rumbling and a roaring and a huge army of ugly, man-eating Orcs came charging forward.  
  
It was about a thousand to one odds, so with a loud shriek of terror the Death Eaters were devoured.  
  
Standing among the carnage of the battle-field hung 18 dark robbed, shadowy, ominous shapes. The Dementors, the soul sucking demons from another world who guarded the prisoners of Azkaban from the Harry Potter universe loomed near the dark-cloaked riders, the undead souls of the nine mortal kings consumed by the Ring of Power, the Ring Wraiths.  
  
They stood there, looking dark, evil and intimidating, killing anyone unfortunate enough to get close to them.  
  
Finally, tired of their pointless standoff, the Dementors moved towards the Ring Wraiths, looming over them, and tried to give them "The Dementor's Kiss"TM but soon realized that there was nothing there to suck out.  
  
The Wraiths then stabbed the Dementors many times with their blades, but nothing happened, they weren't effected by it at all.  
  
After standing there for several minutes in unsatisfied evil confusion they turned and began killing things that could die again.  
  
  
  
Then, finally, Albus Dumbledore made his way out among the terror that had ensued over the land. He looked over and saw Harry sitting near the front gate, rocking back and forth, crying.  
  
"Harry! What's wrong?!" He asked, bending down beside him.  
  
"I didn't mean…I didn't mean to kill him!" Harry cried, twitching as Ron patted him gently on the back.  
  
"Ooh dear." Dumbledore sighed, patting him on the head gently. He looked up as Professor Snape came forward suddenly.  
  
"Severus?" Dumbledore asked.  
  
"I have bad news, Dumbledore." Said Professor Snape in his greasy voice. "Sirius Black and Remus Lupin have both been killed, as well as Ms. Granger and Professor McGonagall." He said.  
  
Harry wailed loudly, collapsing into Ron's lap. "NO! SIRIUS!! REMUS!!! HERMIONE!!! PROFESSOR McGonagall!!" he wailed.  
  
"Oh, and that Peter Petigrew fellow and poor Draco Malfoy." Snape added.  
  
Harry blinked back tears for a minute and then began to wail again. "SIRIUS!! REMUS!!…"  
  
Dumbledore frowned. "Well, I say that this was all quite uncalled for! Summon my Lord of the Rings counter-part!" he cried.  
  
At once Gandalf the White appeared, looking at Professor Dumbledore.  
  
"Hello there. I take it you're the owner of this castle which has dropped on the Shire?" asked Gandalf.  
  
"It would appear so. I can assure you that it was no fault of our own, I assure you." Dumbledore said.  
  
"Oh, I am quite certain, but as there is no one else that I equally matched with, I have no choice but to hold you responsible." Replied Gandalf.  
  
"I understand." Answered Dumbledore.  
  
"Shall we get on with it then?" asked Gandalf.  
  
Suddenly Harry launched himself forward and clung onto Dumbledore's robes. "NO! Professor Dumbledore! You can't go!!" he wailed.  
  
"My goodness…his wails could upstage little Frodo's." replied Gandalf.  
  
"There there, Harry. Ron, can you pry him off me? There's a good chap." Dumbledore said, getting away from the screaming, crying boy.  
  
At that moment Strider appeared. "Ah! Gandalf! Good to see you're still alive. Tell me, have you seen a boy named Harry Potter with a lightning scar on his…ah! There you are!" he cried, rushing over to Harry.  
  
"Who are you?" Sniffled the young wizard.  
  
"I…uh…killed your godfather, Sirius, but he told me to look after you. My name is Aragon, but everyone calls me Strider." He said cheerfully.  
  
"YOU KILLED SIRIUS!!!!?!?!?!?!" Harry cried.  
  
"I don't think you should have told him that." Ron whispered to Strider.  
  
"Dumb-ass." Fred and George said in unison.  
  
"Well, that's lovely. Lets get on with the whole fight thing then, shall we?" Dumbledore said.  
  
"Indeed." Gandalf agreed.  
  
The two wizards stepped out into the clearest opening they could find, not wanting to desecrate the rest of the people around them (all though that was pretty pointless by this time in the story).  
  
They started off with simple spells mostly. Gandalf turned Dumbledore into a toad and Dumbledore turned Gandalf into a fly.  
  
This went on and on for a spell, no pun intended, until eventually along the line they had turned themselves into each other, and not liking that idea they transformed back and pulled out the big guns…er…wands.  
  
The sky turned black, the lightning flashed and struck the ground, the earth trembled and the ocean roared, and the mountains crumbled, and the beasts all fled in the wake of their terrible power. Mortal men fled before them, and all over creatures trembled in fear (a power I thought only Brittany Spears possessed)  
  
But still the two wizards, now tired and exhausted both mentally and physically, were too evenly matched.  
  
"We must end this for the sake everyone's sanity!" Dumbledore said.  
  
"I quite agree. Our powers are too equally matched, so let us resort to the most powerful weapon of all…our minds!" said Gandalf.  
  
"Capital idea!" Dumbledore said. He pulled from his pocket a bag of Bertie Botts' Every Flavor Beans, the same one the Twins had in earlier. " I have here some simple jelly beans. They come in every flavor. I propose that each take a bean and guess which flavor it is…the one who guesses wrong will be destroyed." He said.  
  
"Excellent! First we must enchant the beans so that they are all the same color, but not the same flavor!" said Gandalf, bewitching the bag so that all the beans turned black.  
  
They each took a bean then and examined it carefully.  
  
"Blueberry." Gandalf said, showing Dumbledore his bean.  
  
"Chill Powder." Dumbledore replied.  
  
They stared each other down dramatically as they chewed and swallowed.  
  
"Damn. Crushed Red Pepper." Dumbledore muttered.  
  
"Ah well, better luck next time old chap." Gandalf said patting him on the back.  
  
"Good show old boy." Dumbledore said, patting him on the back, then he collapsed on the ground.  
  
Gandalf shook his head sadly, then peered out of either corner of his eye to make sure no one was watching and then grinned. "YES!" and took his hat.  
  
"Who's your daddy?!"  
  
  
  
With all the other combatants cleared of the field (I should point out that at this point, you'd think all of those remaining would do battle with our key villains. Just thought I'd point that out), Sauron approached Voldemort.  
  
Never before had two evil and quite powerful beings ever approach each other in such a manner. In yet another weave about the continuity, Voldemort had regained a body. And Sauron grew one by retrieving the Ring of Power.  
  
After an on-going battle of power that basically killed everyone and everything within an eighty-mile radius, the battle soon grew from bad to worse. Because of their powers being so equal, it grew quickly into the worst form of combat ever conceived . . .  
  
"Listen here, Ring-boy," shouted Voldemort, "I'm obviously much more powerful and much more evil than you!"  
  
Name-calling and insults.  
  
"Really now?!" replied Sauron, putting his hands to his hips. "Well, at least I wasn't killed by a freakin' baby!"  
  
"Hey! I couldn't help that! And plus, at least I didn't die because I had my hand cut off!"  
  
"You idiot! My Ring was on that hand! Of course I died!"  
  
"'Oh, my Ring was on that hand! I couldn't help it!'" mocked Voldemort. "What a crummy excuse! I mean, come on, you out there dies of a hand falling off anymore."  
  
Sauron sighed, then opened his hands. "I must point out again – killed by baby!"  
  
"Yeah, well, at least it was dignified. Your death was the lamest thing ever."  
  
"Oh? How about you go up against an entire army of elves and humans, then? Huh? Then what would you do?"  
  
"Not get my hand chopped out. How about you try to murder a child that's protected because his Mom sacrificed herself?"  
  
"Get some local thugs to burn down the house."  
  
Voldemort starred at him, mouth agap. "Why didn't I think of that? I MEAN – I hate you!"  
  
"Point made. Now, my being-of-lesser-evil, I must say that you are know going down."  
  
"Nah-ah-ah! Not if I have your Ring!"  
  
"My – wha – !?"  
  
Just then, Voldemort blasted Sauron's hand off and the Ring fell to the ground.  
  
"Heh heh heh. My turn," said Voldemort, picking it up.  
  
"Crap it," returned Sauron, his body melting away and becoming a gigantic firery eye again.  
  
Voldemort put the ring then suddenly – turned into a Ringwriath.  
  
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" he screamed. "I mean . . . crap."  
  
"You're under my control," Sauron-as-an-eye said.  
  
"Damn."  
  
"Give me the Ring of Power."  
  
Ringwraith-Voldemort stepped up to the Eye of Sauron, then realized something. "I'm only doing this because you used the stupid ring against me."  
  
"I know."  
  
"How am I supposed to give this to you? You're a gigantic eye!"  
  
"Just throw it."  
  
"Think fast."  
  
Ringwraith-Voldemort threw it at him.  
  
"Ow! My eye!" Sauron replied as he turned to his former glory. Voldemort did the same as well, holding his wand.  
  
"Well, now, where were we?"  
  
"I was just about to call you an pansy."  
  
"No, no. Let's fight. Violence is cool, isn't it?"  
  
"It is, isn't it?"  
  
"Indeed!"  
  
The two continued to attempt to blast the crap out of each other, but just blew up the surroundings. Finally, Voldemort just got frustrated.  
  
"I bet if I blow up all of Middle-Earth, you'll go with it!" he shouted.  
  
"Well, I'm betting if I blow up all of your Earth, you'll go with it as well!" Sauron replied.  
  
"You don't have to balls!"  
  
"Yes I do! Have you seen my eye! Well, my balls are just like it! GREAT BALLS OF FIRE!"  
  
"Fine! Good bye Middle-Earth!" farewelled Voldemort. "Middle-Earthis Blowis Upis!"  
  
"Well, then! Harry Potter Earth go bye bye!"  
  
BOOM!  
  
BOOM!  
  
In the aftermath of the two, massive, incredible explosions – all that remained of Earth and Middle-Earth was nothing more than large chunks of what once was. (Sorta like Fantasia at the end of the Never-Ending Story)  
  
And a gigantic floating, fierey eye that belonged to Sauron and the head of Voldemort.  
  
"Well, it seems our little plans failed," Sauron said.  
  
"Indeed," replied Voldemort. "With the destruction of our Earths, it also resulted in the destruction of our bodies. Yet our evilnessisty still lives on in spirit."  
  
"No kidding, dork-face."  
  
"Well, at least I have a face."  
  
Sauron looked away, which was quite a feat for someone that was such a gigantic eyeball.  
  
"Listen here, Voldork. I know just the way to finish this off."  
  
"Oh? And how's that?"  
  
"Staring contest!"  
  
"YES! I am SO good at these!" Voldemort exclaimed, positioning himself right in front of Sauron.  
  
"Shut up and let's get to it."  
  
"The first one that blinks bites it. On three. One . . . two . . . three . . . go."  
  
And so, the two just starred at each other . . . eye to . . . well, fire eye. After a little while, Sauron told Voldemort the one thing he didn't want to hear.  
  
"Just so you know, I have no eyelids and I can't blink."  
  
"Damn it!" shouted Voldemort right before he . . .  
  
BLINK!  
  
"Bye bye."  
  
"Rassum, frassum . . . stupid eye . . ." Voldemort muttered. Then, in a flash, he was gone.  
  
Sauron looked around, quite satisfied with his victory. It was proof that he was, indeed, much more evil and much more powerful.  
  
Then he realized something. He had nothing to rule! What was up with that?! So, with nothing else to do and no chance at rebuilding Middle- Earth by using scattered body parts and banged up asteroids. So, in end, with all of his greatest enemies defeated and dead, Sauron decided to commit suicide and blink the endless blink.  
  
Just then, a woman in her late twenties/early thirties appeared on an asteroid and looked disapprovingly at the poor, dead bodies of Frodo and Harry as the floated by.  
  
"I can't believe this. Hey! J.R.R.! Take a look at this!"  
  
An old, English chap appeared next to her. "What is this? Oh my . . . did they use the Forbidden Spells again!?"  
  
"Looks like it. Damn Fan-Fic writers. Do you know how many students are at Hogwarts that are named Mary Sue?"  
  
"Not as many as there are helping the Fellowship get the Ring to Mount Doom! There's only supposed to be nine in the Fellowship of the Ring! Not ten! NINE!"  
  
"I hate crossovers. Come on. Let's restore our respective universes back to normal, eh?"  
  
"Yes, yes. Leave it up to the masters."  
  
"Of the universe?" asked the woman named R.K.  
  
"Oh, now don't be getting all He-Man on me."  
  
"Ha ha," she mocked.  
  
Then, in a flash, everything was back to normal.  
  
  
  
CLOSING NOTE: "Stay tuned for the epilogue . . ." – Throttle of Biker Mice of Mars 


End file.
